Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]