Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

can you read it!!??

maan!

who will stop them

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”