Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?