Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
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Every time my phone rings
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it