Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*