Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
You Might Also Like
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
This is a bad sign
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.