Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Message from the dog groomers
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?