Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.