Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

repaired

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Trumpy Cat

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.