Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
You Might Also Like
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”