Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that