Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.