Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks