Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I might give this a try 😏
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.