Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him