Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Good point.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭