Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.