Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Oops
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt