Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve