Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You Might Also Like
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color