Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You Might Also Like
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.