You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
These work great until they don’t.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.