Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.