Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.