Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

ME (calling my horse with no name):

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.