Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.