Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.