Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
all that yoga finally paid off
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.