Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
is it too early for christmas memes
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”