Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.