Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Hot Hot Hot

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.