Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.