Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.