Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
do horses think humans are hats
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.