Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.