Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My neck my back my allergy attack
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so