Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
He just like my cat fr
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only