Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Meat Cute
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
