Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Hmm, not sure about this change

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

They did not think through this water fountain

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Rooting for the overdog

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel