Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

🦝🔥🦝🔥

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: