Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.