Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
You Might Also Like
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow