Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
