Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.