“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
You Might Also Like
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.