“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Kids, do not try this at home!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
British people be like I’m Bri ish