Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
You Might Also Like
Shh everyone play along!!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead