Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.

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Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked


The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.


the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”


giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”


I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.


Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no


ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?


When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead