@DilemmaEmmaEmma

Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.

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@Fred_Delicious

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

@RandomAntics

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

@IvoryGazelle

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea