Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Note to self: I am a note
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I self medicate, therefore you live.