once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
