Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Broom by every window for quick escape.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it