Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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