Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Okay this one takes it home
