Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.