Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.