Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you