Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.