Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.