@MrJeberling

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

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@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

@FattMernandez

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

@huntigula

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@simoncholland

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.