Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.


I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.


If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister


where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore


My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.