Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit