Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Siri: Retweet me.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*