Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
can you read it!!??
maan!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them