Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
You Might Also Like
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.