Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

me when somebody idk start touching me

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Living the best life.. 😊

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes