Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.