Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
S M O L
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I did not eat the cake…
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh