Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

S M O L

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I did not eat the cake…

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh