Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
You Might Also Like
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!