Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”