Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.