H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.