Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.