Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.