Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.